For young people in care, feeling seen, respected, and safe is essential – but not always guaranteed. This is often an even harder or unlikely guarantee for young people in care who also identify as part of the rainbow (LGBTTQIA+) community. One of the simplest yet most powerful ways adults in their lives can offer support is by learning about and using correct pronouns.
Pronouns are more than just words; they reflect who someone is. For young people exploring or affirming their gender identity, hearing the right pronouns can be a lifeline. It signals acceptance, builds trust, and creates an environment where they don’t have to hide or explain themselves constantly.
This post explores what pronouns are, why they matter and how adults can take meaningful steps to support rainbow young people with understanding, respect, and genuine allyship. For us at VOYCE, this is important mahi (work) because care experienced young people tell us about the negative experiences they have faced, and the often life long impact this can have on them. We also see the benefit of a young person in care feeling seen, loved and heard for the first time.
What are pronouns?
Pronouns are words that take the place of nouns, allowing us to refer to people or things without needing their names. For example: She went to the store but forgot her wallet. He took a trip overseas with his family. They were listening to music until their headphones ran out of battery.
They/them/theirs are pronouns commonly used by folks who don’t feel that ‘he’ or ‘she’ reflects their identity. In Aotearoa people may also use ‘ia’ which is a gender-neutral pronoun in Te Reo Māori.
Some people believe using “they/them” pronouns to refer to an individual is grammatically incorrect – but it actually isn’t! We use they/them all the time. For example, if you found someone’s wallet on the ground, you wouldn’t say, “Someone lost his or her wallet!” You would probably say, “Someone lost their wallet.”
Remember people use pronouns differently. Some people might use a combination of pronouns: she/he, he/they, she/ia, he/she/they/ia. When someone uses multiple pronouns, try to use all of those pronouns equally unless they have a preference. If you’re not sure – ask!
Why should we care?
Words have power. Being referred to with the correct pronouns is really important to a person’s sense of self and mental health. Pronouns are about affirming someone’s identity. It’s about seeing people for who they are and meeting them wherever they’re at.
Using the correct pronouns is especially important for affirming our care-experienced LGBTQ+ rangatahi. It’s a simple way to show you care about the people in your life. It’s not about politics or ideology; it’s about unconditionally respecting a person’s identity. Using the correct pronouns is a simple way to say I see you, I care about you.
How do we do this?
A good start is to always introduce yourself with your name and pronouns. This signals to others that you know pronouns are important and that you don’t want to make assumptions.
Remember people’s pronouns and use them correctly. Respecting pronouns should be easy – if you make a mistake, the best thing you can do is apologize, correct yourself, and move on. If you accidentally use the wrong pronouns, it doesn’t have to be a big deal! If you find that you have been regularly misgendering someone, it’s important to address the mistake. But it’s best to apologize simply, like “I’m sorry for misgendering you earlier.” Just make sure not to over-apologize, explain yourself, or make excuses.
If you’d like to learn more, or access a range of resources on this topic, we recommend the resource hub that Rainbow Youth have but together. You can find it here: https://ry.org.nz/our-resources