“In 2007, my caregivers moved us from Ōamaru to Ōtautahi. The decision was largely driven by work – my foster dad, a bus driver, had been offered a role that involved long-haul travel between places like Christchurch and Picton, or Christchurch and Te Anau. My foster mum also had whānau in Christchurch, which made the move feel like a practical opportunity. From that perspective, it made sense – and the family court agreed.
But the move sat against an earlier understanding. In some of the earliest custody arrangements, my caregivers had reassured my mother that it was unlikely we would ever move out of district. That mattered to her. Years earlier, her older daughters had been moved far away to the North Island, fracturing those relationships and limiting connection. Even at seven years old, I understood how deeply that had impacted her – and how easily something similar could happen again.
So when the idea of moving was raised, there was hesitation. But there was also trust. Over time, my caregivers had made a genuine effort to include my mum in our lives. In the early days, she was part of our everyday routines – helping with feeds and bath time, being present in our home. As we grew older, we spoke with her daily after school. That kind of inclusion built something steady and respectful. The commitment was clear: even if we moved, her place in our lives wouldn’t disappear – it would just look different.
When I think about that time now, what stands out is not just the need for stability for us, but also the need to provide stability for our mum. The family court acknowledged how important our connection was and had, to its credit, recognised the effort and flexibility my caregivers had shown over the years.
I remember feeling excited about the move – Ōtautahi felt like a big city, full of opportunity, and I still feel lucky that we got to grow up there. But alongside that excitement, I was worried. I knew we’d be okay – we had a home, support, and new opportunities ahead of us. My concern was always for Mum. I knew her life wasn’t easy, and I worried about what the distance might mean for her.
Recently, I spoke with her about that time. She told me she hated the idea of us moving, but she understood why it had to happen. It made sense with work, and she wanted good things for us. What mattered most to her was how it was handled. She heard the news directly from my foster mum, who had become a close friend and confidante, rather than through Child, Youth and Family. That felt respectful and honest. She also made it clear that my caregivers did a great job of keeping us connected, and that mattered more than anything.
After we moved, we still saw her regularly – at least four times a year during school holidays. Travel was worked out creatively. We would often ride along on the bus with my foster dad, who had scheduled stops in Ōamaru during his long-haul routes. We’d spend time with mum, then return the next day on his way back through. It was a simple system on the surface, but it took real intention and effort. Those visits gave us precious time to reconnect and just be together.
There were also supposed to be systems in place to support regular contact, like access to a landline so Mum could call us without the cost of toll calls. Sometimes that worked well. Sometimes it didn’t. I remember times when she was redirected to use payphones instead. It wasn’t always consistent, and there were moments where support fell short.
Looking back now, and after reading through my files, it’s clear that so much of the connection we maintained came down to my caregivers’ choices. They went well beyond what was required of them, ensuring our relationship with our mum remained strong, consistent, and meaningful. That made all the difference – it helped all of us feel safe, settled, and cared for.
Moving to Ōtautahi could easily have fractured our family relationships if it hadn’t been handled with such care. Instead, because it was approached with intention, respect, and a genuine commitment to connection, it didn’t. Our relationship held steady through distance and change.
I’m so grateful my caregivers made that a priority. It’s the reason I am the woman I am – the one who still keeps in close contact with her mother over the phone!”
