While many celebrate Mother’s Day with flowers, brunch, and heartfelt posts, it’s not that simple for everyone. For some care-experienced young people, the day brings painful reminders of fractured whānau connections, loss, or the absence of a maternal figure.
Some have reconnected with their mothers – a journey of healing and hope. But for others, the constant reminders in the build-up to Mother’s Day can stir grief, confusion, or deep emotional conflict. These feelings don’t disappear after leaving care, and becoming a care experienced parent without a positive role model can add another layer of fear and self-doubt.
This Mother’s Day, Carmel and Jacob share what the day means to them. Whether you’re missing your own mum, disconnected from whānau, or a mother separated from your tamariki – your feelings are valid and we see you.
Carmel’s thoughts on Mother’s Day:
Growing up in foster care, I was blessed with many strong women who guided me and shared their wisdom. But as I dreamed of becoming a Mum myself, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d be good enough.
Would my past traumas define me, or could I break the cycle and create a better life for my children?
Faith and support from my church community helped me believe in myself and my abilities. When I finally became a Mum, those doubts still lingered, but talking to trusted loved ones helped me work through them.
I’m grateful for my two amazing kids and the opportunity to be the Mum I never had. I’ve studied youth work and early childhood education, and now I’m loving every moment as a stay-at-home mom. I believe there’s no one ‘right’ way to mother – just a million ways to be good Mum.
Looking back, I realise that my unconventional upbringing gave me a unique gift: the wisdom and knowledge shared by many women who helped shape me into the Mum I am today.
Jacob’s thoughts on Mother’s Day:
Kia Ora whānau
I am a 23-year-old care experienced person who lived in Oranga Tamariki foster care for six years. I went into foster care when I was 14 years old and transitioned into independence at the age of 20. I had an existing relationship with both my parents before moving into foster care as I had lived with both my parents from birth until their divorce when I was 12. When they split my dad became the solo parent of myself and my five siblings. We all ended up in foster care only 18 months later… The journey through foster care and especially surrounding big family holidays and celebrations like Mother’s Day was especially challenging for me as I didn’t have my mum around.
The relationship between a child in foster care and their birth mother may be very traumatic, difficult or even non-existent. Spreading awareness about this issue will help people understand the challenging time that Mother’s Day can be for care experienced people. Rather than a celebration or appreciation of mothers it can also be very triggering and upsetting for those who are not able to say they have a loving mother.
Part of this awareness is also understanding the importance of motherly figures in peoples lives. This could be people like an aunt, grandma, older sister or even a male figure who has stepped into that motherly role for someone. By recognising these motherly figures children in care and care experienced people can feel included in the celebrating and appreciating of those who have been a mother to them. It’s so important for people like me who have been in care and struggled to maintain a strong relationship with my birth mum because it helps me value and show love towards those in my life who I consider motherly figures. I know I am not alone because there are many people who have taken me under their wing and cared for me when my parents haven’t been capable or able to do so.
Have a blessed Mother’s Day, and remember – no matter how present or distant your mother is in your life this mother’s day, there are always people who care about you and you are not alone.
