For anyone, coming out can be hard and even unsafe, and for care experienced taiohi it’s no different. When you are raised in care, there is no expectation of unconditional love. In fact, for a lot of us, the love we receive in care is particularly conditional. This can make coming out really complicated.
I struggled to be open about my sexuality with my sister, who became my caregiver when I was 14. Even though she was my biological whānau, I was too scared to tell her. I felt like a burden, an out of place piece of furniture in an otherwise complete family. I didn’t want to rock the boat or make things harder than they already were, so I kept parts of myself hidden.
Being bisexual, I knew I could fly under the radar if I only had/talked about relationships with tāne (men). Masquerading as heterosexual felt safer. I was lucky to have access to safe spaces online and in my community, where I was supported to explore and be my full self, but it wasn’t until I left care that I started to talk openly about my queerness with my whānau.
Coming out looks different for everyone. We asked some of our care experienced rangatahi who identify as LGBTTQIA+ about their experience coming out while in care:
Did you feel safe and open to share your identity with your foster placements/families?
🎨: “Not at first, definitely not. I spent about a year gauging their opinions about the community and once I realised how weirdly progressive they were (but in that dismissive boomer way of being like “ofc I support the gays”) I told my mum and begged her not to tell my dad, she probably did but he never said anything. I never really came out to either of my dads but I doubt they would care either way.“
📸: “My experiences in care varied from home to home. Some homes welcomed my sexuality and my gender identity while others discouraged it.”
What kind of reactions/support did you receive?
🎨: “I was in a heterosexual passing relationship when I came out, which caused a bit of dismissive behaviour and comments. But I’ve gotten to a stage of my life where I don’t care what anyone has to say. My boyfriend at the time was such a legend about it and was super supportive. I’m very lucky, I came out after I moved out of home, so I didn’t have to worry about volatile reactions or anything.”
🏞️: “I came out as pansexual when I was fifteen years old. I told my great-uncle’s fiancé who was my caregiver at the time (they are very religious), that I’m attracted to everyone despite their gender. I was told that I would be going to hell if I didn’t change my ways (like since when was sexuality a freaking choice?) She also said that she’d give me Bible verses to turn me straight again and then proceeded to try and pray the gay away. She even told everyone in her church that I was an abomination and that they should help to pray my gayness away. She also made me promise not to tell my great-uncle about my sexuality to keep the peace.“
📸: “When I was younger, I lived in religious settings which often caused me to feel unsafe and unsupported to talk about my thoughts and feelings to figure out my identity. When I got older, I had more support towards sexuality as my caregivers had more knowledge about this than gender identity. It took some time for my caregivers to come to terms with exploring and becoming comfortable with gender identity.“
🦕: “When I first came out, it wasn’t a very LGBT+ friendly environment. It wasn’t well received by my caregiver at the time; I was 16 when I got my first haircut, and it was a short haircut. A lot of slurs were used against me and the threat of OT sending me away was hanging over my head.“
What were some of the challenges that being care experienced added to your coming out journey?
📸: “The main challenge I faced was the lack of knowledge that some of my caregivers had towards sexuality and gender identity. This made receiving the support I needed difficult, and it became a long process. I was fortunate to have amazing social workers who helped me to receive the right counselling to allow me to figure out my gender identity safely. They paid for my binders, new clothes and took me to all of my doctor’s appointments that allowed me to start HRT (hormone replacement therapy).“
🎨: “The lack of trust/feeling safe around people impacts every aspect of my life and that included my coming out journey.“
🦕: “For me, being care experienced added another layer of fear. Because they weren’t my family, I was replaceable (at least for them). But in some ways being care experienced worked well for me. I was able to be placed into a stable loving environment, and now I am living life as myself, with a fabulous family and slowly making my own little crew, starting with my goofy pup.“
What (if anything) could have made this experience easier for you?
📸: “One thing I’d highly recommend is for caregivers to have more training around how to support and encourage a young person in their care in figuring out their sexuality and gender identity. I think with this support a young person would be able to come to terms with who they are safely, in their own time and feel peace in their decisions to go forward with transitioning, socially or medically, if that is what they desire.“
Note: We have used different emojis to represent the young people who have answered, because for a lot of queer whānau, it is not safe for the wider community to know their identity. This is done to protect our rangatahi, and if you’re someone who might contribute to the unsafety and persecution of rainbow young people, we encourage you to reflect on your actions.
At VOYCE we recognise coming out can be especially complicated for our care experienced whānau. We want all rainbow rangatahi atawhai to know they aren’t alone. So we’ve put together some tips to help you navigate the journey. You can find our tips on how to keep yourself safe when coming out in care here: https://www.instagram.com/p/DK-kgg-S0zf/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
If you’re keen to learn more about the spectrum of sexuality, check out this awesome page on the RainbowYOUTH website. https://ry.org.nz/sexuality-101
